Review: 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012) | Attack of the Drive-In!
Well, it certainly is what it says on the tin.
RATING: 1 2-Headed Shark Heads (2 out of 5)
Y’all know me.
If you don’t, there’s two things you might want to know — my favorite hoodie is a Shark Week hoodie, complete with dorsal fin. Big fan of sea critters. And that I very rarely think even the worst affronts to God and movie audiences are truly bad.
This is an exception to my rule.
About the best thing I can say for 2-Headed Shark Attack is that, well, it’s exactly the kind of movie you’d expect, and about a 2-headed shark attacking people. Ok, that’s not fair. The CGI shark does a better job than most of the cast and half the crew.
I’m only half kidding. Mostly about the shark. It’s a whale of a critter to involve — and a ton of potential for such a beastie — but it’s not just CGI. It’s CGI and rubber. Imagine Jaws but made by the kind of film student that would wear a beret if more socially acceptable, railed at least 12 lines of coke before conceptualizing the film, and has lived a life surrounded by seagulls saying “you can do it bro! Believe in yourself!”
Which is sad, because it’s the same bros that gave the world the so-awful-it’s-brilliant modern classic Sharknado. The questionable people at The Asylum came up with this idea presumably to flesh out their Shark Cinematic Universe. It’s got the kind of setup you’d expect:
Ensemble cast of wakeboarders go wakeboarding and get attacked by a 2-headed shark. This is where the the problems start.
The problem isn’t the setup, and not even the production values (it’s The Asylum. They really do know how to make modern b-movies on a shoestring — just not here, apparently). It’s really the ensemble cast, spearheaded (spearfished?) by Carmen Electra, Charlie O’Connell, and the junior Hulkamaniac, Brooke Hogan. It’s not a bad concept. It’s done well enough to spark (much better) sequels. They’re up to 6-Headed Sharks right now, if you were wondering. What makes this a rough ride is that the filmmakers seem to have run low on ideas on how to off the main cast — out of sheer volume. No character is really developed enough, and the sharkifying payoffs just get too repetitive as the movie goes on. The death scenes only work if the audience cares about the character in the first place — and that’s hard to do with the character arcs growing like red algae all over the movie.
To the writers’ (and editors’) credit — there are good starting points here. There’s just too many characters and not enough movie to give any of them the development they deserve, let alone the real star of the movie — the 2-headed shark.
The 2-headed shark truly is the best part of the movie, as much as I ragged on it earlier. It’s a wonderful blend of CGI and practical effects that absolutely nails that direct-to-video b-movie cheesiness that The Asylum is known for, in the grand tradition of Roger Corman. Christopher Ray is at the helm, and still hasn’t quite managed to find his own voice in this one (though he’s getting closer in the sequels and his more recent work). The directing feels phoned-in here — and as any drive-in nerd can tell you: if you want to make a b-movie good, you have to pour your whole heart and part of your spleen into it. Nothing bad, no big mistakes, framing is wonderful, and Ray’s skill with a camera is definitely underrated — but very beach-bland as a whole package. Stuart Brereton handled the cinematography with a skillful eye for lighting – but we’re not here for high cinema. We’re here for shlock attacks.
That’s the story of 2-Headed Shark Attack. It’s a flick that can’t quite find its sea legs. It aims high, but tries to do too much with not enough film to do it in.
As this franchise goes — I’d say the aptly-named 3-Headed Shark Attack is a much better entry — and you get Danny Trejo. If you liked the series and haven’t caught this one yet — you’ll probably still like it. But it’s a film series that has absolutely improved with age.
###Life Lessons from 2-Headed Shark Attack
Maybe we should stop thinking it’s safe to go back in the water.
2-headed sharks don’t just defy biology, they defy physics. It’s completely reasonable to stash a 40-foot shark in four feet of water.
Sharks’ natural prey are wakeboards and cell phones.
If there’s not a boob shot within the first 30 minutes, is it even a shark movie?
It’s a laugh when you make a gaff with your gaffe until you find the propeller. Should’ve brought a raft.
Two headed sharks sound a lot like Steven Spielberg thinks a T. Rex sounds.
###Fun Fact Intermission
We’re now up to six headed sharks in this series on SyFy — probably the best naming convention I’ve seen in b-horror flicks.
Choosing Bachelor Charlie O’Connell and Brooke Hogan to share screen time with Carmen Electra is certainly a choice. But both have had better outings before this. O’Connell’s best remembered for his appearance on The Bachelor today, but made a solid outing as main character Colin Mallory in the sci-fi series Sliders’ fourth season.
Brooke, of course, is best known for her daddy-daughter drama in Hogan Knows Best and the follow-up Brooke Knows Best. But she’s also started making a name for herself in the wrestling world. She’s been an on-screen manager for TNA’s Knockouts division since 2012.
It apparently costs $1 million to make a 2-headed shark. The film was made on a million dollar budget, and released direct to SyFy.
Think I’m wrong and want to check it out yourself? The best way to buy is in a 3-pack with a couple other movies just in case — Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus and Shark Island round out this set.
If you buy after you click, I get a small commission and you get the warm-fuzzies about supporting your favorite lover of drive-ins and b-movies.
If you’d rather stream: it’s available to watch on Tubi, Roku, Peacock, and Amazon Prime.